This was a very difficult topic for me, as I have a tendency to be dishonest with myself. I set goals that sound great at the time, and I truly believe when I am making those self-promises that I can fulfill them…and then reality steps in. I make myself busy, busy, busy…so much so as to avoid taking the time to take a good hard honest look at myself and my life.
Well, I un-busied myself this summer. As I took a hard look at myself and what I want to do with the rest of my life, I found that being honest was extremely hard. When I looked at all the busy-ness of my life up till July, I knew that I honestly was not giving my best to everything. How could I? I was running here, there, and everywhere, involved in this, that, and the other thing… and most of it was to distract me from the personal work I knew I had to do. I had to withdraw from a lot of things that once gave me pleasure, but had begun to seem more like a time-filler, in order to do a lot of thinking and a lot of examination.
I can honestly say that looking in the mirror was hard. Helping to build the decor for the church gave me some contemplative time as we glued small mirrors to the ribbons that were suspended from above. The central piece of the decor was a huge “distorted” mirror made of crumpled foil. This was to represent the distorted view many seem to have when they look in the mirror. For me, though, it was a more honest representation of what’s in the mirror… I saw someone I really didn’t like all that well. If that is the image I see, then I had to ask myself what others honestly see when they look at me.
Folks on the Creative Team probably notice that I am pretty quiet… not because I don’t want to talk, but I was immersing myself in the whole concept as we were building it. It’s also the one month that I actually forgot to take pictures because I was so immersed in what I was doing.
In an effort to be more honest with myself and others, I made some tough decisions about my involvement in many of my activities instead of hiding behind the many masks I was wearing. Giving myself the time to reflect has helped me to focus on things that are truly most important to me. Stepping back from commitments can allow others the opportunity to come forward who are more honestly able to do a better job.